Season Two, Episode Sixteen: The Art of Letting Go

Persistence versus wishful thinking/stupidity... When does one end and the other begin? Or are they just different sides of the same coin?

In life, how do we know when to persevere and when to give up? When do we fight on and when do we throw in the towel and wave the white flag?

For the most part, I would say I'm pretty realistic. I know my capabilities and my (ever increasing) shortcomings, and so, in most endeavors that I encounter, I can assess whether or not the task on hand is within my grasps, a bit of a reach, or has a meteor-landing-on-your-house probability of happening.

One of the things that I've learned to let go were grades. Coming into undergrad, I was that typical Honors/AP student, the go-getter and overachieving type. That big fat C in General Chemistry fall quarter of freshman year was all it took to derail me from that "straight A's" train that I was so certain I wanted to be a part of. At that moment in time, I had a realization that while grades matter to a certain extent, it wasn't the "end-all-be-all" that I thought at the time, and that learning was more important that regurgitation. It's not so much that I lost the will to persevere to get the good grades. I just came into the realization that it was displaced wishful thinking to strive to have a letter grade represent my capabilities.

These past two years, when I took on what seemingly were too many responsibilities, I definitely had my trying moments. I'm the first one to admit that there were times where I felt I was a bit over my head, overwhelmed with the responsibilities that came with each position. But I was confident in my abilities and my resolve, and even more so, I was confident in my support system. Sure, there were times when I felt like giving up, but I had my friends' and family's unrelenting support and I was able to get through some rough patches.

When it comes to relationships (or potential relationships), I'd like to think that the same axiom holds true for me. However, to me, it becomes exponentially murky and befuddling. It's always a see-saw battle of giving up versus fighting through, but when I fight through, more often than not, I feel like I'm swinging with my one of my hands tied behind my back, an eye patch on one eye and in a really foggy area in the midst of a vast quicksand.

To make matters more complex, I tend to be ATTRACTED to a lot of people, but when it comes to LIKING someone, I'm a bit more selective. So, when I actually find that SOMEONE that crossed the attraction threshold into the "like" category, I tend to pursue it like there's no tomorrow, to the occasional chagrin of some of my friends.

In terms of relationships, how do I know when to give up and when to keep pursuing someone? How often must we put ourselves in a vulnerable position to find out the answer? How often am I willing to stick my neck out and put my ego on the line? For me, I think about the potential gains versus the perceived risks, but more importantly, I think about the person that I'm interested in and see if he's worth all the "trouble". At the same time, everything is magnified, every text message overanalyzed, every Facebook status update scrutinized, every brief encounter replayed over and over searching for clues to lead me one way or the other.

I don't have all the answers; I might never do, but one thing is certain: I won't pretend that I know all there is to it about relationships, and that's where my trusted friends enter the picture. Sometimes, when we're involved with someone, we can develop myopic viewpoints and tangential conclusions; getting a different perspective from another person that you trust can only help. Not to say that I solely rely on their inputs to dictate what I do (last time I check, I still had a functioning brain), but I definitely take their opinions into consideration.

So you ask why not just ask straight up, right? As much as this is what I would do in any other situation, sadly, as I've been told by countless friends, the "games" are necessary evils, especially in a budding relationship. I'm still trying to wrap my head around that concept; the jury's still out on this one, but for now, I'll begrudgingly play along.

I'd like to say that I have the relationship quagmire as figured out as other aspects of my life, but sadly, this isn't the case. Is it worth all the trouble? I'd like to think to think that somewhere in the galaxy, there's that person that will make all that persistence worth it. Here's to hoping that I've found him already.

Season Two, Episode Fifteen: Intern in the City

The last few weeks have been kind of a blur. I remember taking my last Therapeutics final EVER. Then there was that 20 minute Health Economics final. Then I remember having my Therapeutics Oral Exam with Dr. Lee about a patient who has a cryptococcus infection. Then somehow, we were all done.

It was a bit anticlimactic. We had different scheduled times for the Oral Exams, and since the Oral Exams were our last final EVER, we all got done in different times. But for the most part, it was surreal. I've spent the last 8 quarters with my classmates, trudging through 8 am classes (some during our third year! How unfair is that!), frantically reviewing (or in some cases viewing) notes for an upcoming exam and having the time of our lives as we traverse through pharmacy school with a wonderful city like San Francisco as a backdrop (or in some cases, a critical co-star). And now the moment has finally come when we went our separate ways, albeit temporarily. For most of them, the next time we'll see each other will be during Graduation (in May 2011). I am one of the "lucky" ones to call San Francisco home for the next 9 months for rotations, but some of my dear friends have been assigned to the other satellite rotation sites for UCSF like Davis, Fresno (Fres-YES!), LA/OC, North Bay, and South Bay.

However, it felt good to be finally be done with didactic learning! Well technically for me, I still have a quarter left of classes (since I'm part of the Health Policy and Management pathway), so not really, but for the most part, we've all reached the point where we can apply all the theoretical knowledge that we've managed to soak up (or cram in some instance) and practice it in real-life patient interactions.

I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't nervous about this impending change. Rotations are a big deal. We're not playing with made-up patient cases anymore, so if I forget the dose on the test, in the grand scheme of things it's not that big of a deal, but now, we're dealing with actual people now, with presenting cases that are not as clear-cut or as neatly arranged for us. There's no "problem list" for us to look at and know what to deal with. For the most part though, I was very excited to start rotations. I'm the kind of person that learns a lot more effectively when I put concepts into practice.

So far, my life outside of pharmacy didactic learning is going well. For my first rotation block, I was assigned to Ambulatory Care for 6 weeks then followed by a week break, and then my General Medicine Acute Care block for 6 weeks. The last two six-week block will be my electives (Acute Care Pain Management at VA-SF, and Hospital Administration at SFGH).

After talking to a few of my classmates, I'm definitely glad that I started my rotations with Ambulatory Care. Coming into it, I've heard that it is a very doable rotation; not necessarily easy, but manageable. If this past week is a barometer, I'd say they were right on. I'm extremely happy so far with the clinics that I was assigned to. One of the things that I like about the Ambulatory Care set up is that I get to talk to patients one-on-one, and I get to manage their disease states or any acute disease they may be presenting with. Mostly though, I like the way the patients are receptive to our efforts, and that they are active participants in improving their health.

I'm partially dreading my upcoming block, because if it's anything like how my friends/classmates have described it, it'll be a seemingly impervious uphill climb a la 3^rd Avenue proportions. Heavy patient load (working up 18 patients a day is not unheard of), unreal expectations, copious amounts of stress and circling thoughts of imbecilities and uncertainties are all in a 12-hour-day's work (if not more). And you wake up early the next day for the next 5 days, and press repeat for the next 6 weeks.

But I feel as though this first six weeks will only help me prepare for the worst. I say this now, but we'll see if I'm still standing after this block.

PS: Last week's column was in fact an April Fools' Day edition of Single in the City. So, for the record, I'm still NOT engaged, and I didn't fly out to Milan. If only.

“Relapse” – Single in the City: Season Two, Episode Fourteen: Trouble in Paradise?

Last season, on Single in the City:

On Thursday, while we were enjoying the sunset at the cliffs, out of nowhere, he dropped in one knee (I know, how traditional of him), revealed this beautiful bracelet (because he knows I'm not a big fan of rings), asked for my hand and said "I'm yours forever, will you be mine?"

That was one of the happiest moments of my short but topsy-turvy life. The moment when Antoni Diamante asked me to be his forever. I didn't think I could feel that mushy, but in that instance I did, and every time I wear my Czech-glass-bead-adorned-bracelet, I do.

"Calm continueth not long without a storm." – Unknown, 1576

Oh, the engaged life, it can be fickle at times. On top of that, trying to live out a long-distance engagement makes life a bit more complicated.

It's been about year since Antoni and I have been engaged. For the most part, things are going well between Antoni and me. He finished his PhD Fellowship in Architecture from Sapienza Universita di Roma this past summer, and he was quite fortunate enough in this global economic climate to secure a plum position as an Associate Architect at Mario Bellini Associati (the same firm that has secured prestigious appointments such as the National Gallery of Victoria in Melbourne, the Tokyo Design Center, and the Museum of Islamic Art at the Louvre in Paris). Being a new associate to the firm, he's trying his earnest to make a good impression, and with it comes long hours, herculean tasks, and demanding clients. Needless to say, he is a bit short on time. However, he has made the effort of visiting me twice since he's moved to Milan for work. And we try to schedule a weekly Skype chat session to keep contact, though the 9 hour difference can make making time for a weekly chat a struggle at times. But again, anything that's worth having is worth all the work, right?

So you may ask yourself, what IS the problem? The last time he was in town, it was a week before my finals. I told him that I won't have much time to hang out since I would be busy freaking out and cramming for my last Therapeutics final. And also, it happened to be that the Saturday before my finals week was MHC's third monthly clinic.

Anthony is a volunteer at the clinic that I work for, MHC. He's a member of the Executive Committee (to which I am a part of also), and as such, we see each other frequently. We've also developed a friendly relationship, which would've been the source of contention as it turned out. I am the first one to admit that he's quite the good looking medical student that he is, but beyond that, there's nothing between us.

Antoni has seen a few photos of Anthony and I on Facebook (the evil big brother strikes again!) and there were some photos that were, in hindsight, a bit too friendly. Nothing scandalous or Lindsay-Lohan-esque, but viewed from a different perspective, it can be seen being suggestive and bubbling with intrigue. We'd talked about him before, and I thought we've ironed that problem out, but as I was about to find out, those pictures still bothered him.

When I told him that I have clinic that Saturday, he asked me who was going to be there. I didn't mind the question, but I answered it anyway. He asked if he (Anthony) was going to be there. I said: "yes, but why does that matter?" That's when he blew a gasket.

A simple argument turned into a full-fledged fight. That was the first time that I had ever seen him jealous. As in hopping mad, fuming-in-the-ear jealous. We had plans to spend my 11-day spring break in San Francisco, but he left for Milan 13 days early.

I thought of doing a "grand gesture" by flying to Milan during my spring break, and at first, I decided against it, mostly because of the hefty price tag that little act of love would've cost me (a shade under $1500). Was J-Lo right? Shouldn't love not cost a thing?

In the end, I ended up hopping on a redeye flight from San Francisco to Milan via Munich. When I finally tracked him down a few days later (he went to his grandparents in Tuscany), we hashed it out. He said that he needed a bit of time to think things through but that he still cares about me. Did we rush into this whole thing? Were we too blinded by that whirlwind winter romance two years ago in Paris? These were the questions that he had on his head, and the ones that he's looking for answers to in our time apart that he's requesting. He apologized for acting so brashly, but that at the time, that's how he felt. I apologize for not taking his feelings, and I understood that he needed time to figure things out.

Maybe because I was upset, maybe I was tired or maybe I thought my life my shattering, but as I was going through the security gates in the Malpensa Airport in Milan, I took off the bracelet, and as I was doing so, the bracelet snapped and the glass beads scattered all over the security checkpoint area. Was this a sign that things between Antoni and me are over? I want to believe that I can still repair the bracelet. There's still a chance of rainbow after the storm.